When someone says the words "child support" we automatically think about the arm of the law forcing a parent (more times the Father) to pay money to the other parent for the child(ren) they have in common. Pay up or else! Pay or else… lose your license. Pay or else… you cannot get a passport, a job, a loan. Pay or else… go to jail.

This view of child support causes people to cringe. Yet, financial support for children is absolutely necessary. It costs money to raise kids. The public policy is that children deserve the financial support from both parents.

Facts — child support is more often determined by formula; if you look at any child support worksheet, you will see that there is a number that both parents are expected to spend to care for the children. Caring for and supporting the children is more than just spending money on them. We've heard about those rich, but neglected, celebrity children who fall off because the parents are not substantially involved. Money alone is NOT enough.

But let's look at the everyday people. It is my observation that there are some non-money motivating factors that cause ordinary, well-meaning folk to seek the government's help in obtaining and enforcing child support. In my 20 years of lawyering, I have seen not just "dead beat," financially unreliable dads get taken to court for child support. Responsible fathers get dragged through the system too.

Child support is NOT just about the money when:

• You only pursue child support to get revenge.
• Child support becomes a factor only when the other parent is having another child or involved in another relationship.
• You are holding the kids hostage for child support. "You can only see your daughter if you start to pay me child support."
• You use child support to gain leverage. A parent communicates: "Take care of the child how I want you to, or do what I want you to do, else pay me child support."

Feelings of frustration, anger and revenge often accompany the pursuit of child support. Becoming aware of these other non-money motivating factors benefits the parent who owes child support, as well as the parent who seeks child support.

Many times, child support is characterized as either black or white; it's identified as either necessity or greed. But check again. Oftentimes it is so much more than that. Parents are required to consider the whole collective support of the child. Child support is rarely just about one issue.

The state defines child support as just a financial thing, however. When the state's child support unit and their attorneys get involved, their entire bottom line is money. Don't expect these state workers or lawyers to have any sympathy or understanding for situations, motivations or even for your children.

If you are involved in a difficult child support case including modification of child support or a contempt hearing, consider what other factors could be driving the train, and always get competent legal representation.